Why is it that some of us are filled with self doubt, yet others are confident in their abilities? Self doubt isn't healthy so how do we overcome it? What can we do to help others overcome it?
Rewind to December 2012. I had just hired in with CMU's McNair Scholars Program. Our McNair motto is Eat, Sleep, Move...McNair. The eat and sleep part I could handle, but the move part was something I needed to work on. I had started doing yoga...something outside of my comfort zone, but a step in the right direction. We were going to be doing a 5k together in July so I needed to step it up a notch if I was going to try to run it.
I signed up for a membership at the SAC (CMU's Student Activity Center.) The problem with the SAC (or maybe it is just my problem) is the treadmills face a glass wall. I swear everyone that comes in to the building is watching me. Plus it is set up so that the treadmills are in front of all the bikes and ellipticals. Everyone behind me is watching. I swear! I feel like I am on display. Not to mention the girls on the treadmills next to me are maybe 20 and a size 2. It is very intimidating for a 41 year old mother of two with 20 extra pounds, muffin top and jiggly everything.
I eventually met with a personal trainer, but I felt like an idiot because I
couldn't get the hang of the elliptical and I had no core. The trainer thing didn't last because he was pushing me to break outside my comfort zone. Heck, who am I kidding! Everything in the gym was outside of my comfort zone. I decided to stick with walking. I've been walking for over 40 years so
I figured the chance of me making a fool of myself was slim. Walking
was easy. Walking was safe.
I worked my way up to walking on the treadmill 35 minutes on the highest incline at 4.1 mph three days a week. People kept telling me if I was doing that on the treadmill, I could definitely run. I didn't agree. I knew myself better than they did and there was no way I could run. But why was I doubting myself? Why wouldn't I even try? Why was I letting my fear of failure influence me more than the encouragement and support I was receiving? Why wouldn't I take a chance?
I remember the moment I decided to take a chance like it was yesterday. Fast forward to March 2013. I was finishing my normal walking routine on the treadmill when I looked around and realized there were only four of us in the entire gym. It was spring break so the SAC was empty. Three of the four were over forty and everyone was doing their own thing. No one was watching me. I decided to break out of my comfort zone so I took the incline down to 0 and bumped the speed up to 4.6. I told myself to shoot for a minute. Then I changed my mind and said 60 seconds. Yes, 60 seconds is the same amount of time as a minute, but 60 is more than 1. It was a mind game I had to play with myself. I made it 60 seconds and I didn't feel like I was going to die so I decided to keep going. I ended up running 4 whole minutes! That was 240 seconds!!! I was so proud of myself! I had never ever ran, let alone for 4 minutes.
It was invigorating. It was empowering. I felt like I was on top of the world. For once I pushed myself to do something outside of my comfort zone and didn't let my fear hold me back. It was huge for me! It felt great to do something I never thought I would do, because I had never pushed myself to try. For once I took the plunge and didn't let caution lead the way.
So here we are August 2014 and I am reminded how hard it is to push beyond your comfort zone and not let self doubt make choices for you. I have been running with one of our scholars for about three months and the farthest we have ran is 1.25 miles without stopping. I had really hoped we would run a 5k together, but it didn't seem like we were going to make it. I believed with all my heart that she had more in her, but I don't think she believed. How could I help her believe in herself, break out of her comfort zone, and push
through her own self doubt? Was it my place to push her?
I decided I wouldn't push, but gently nudge. We set out for our run with the goal of 1.5 miles. I fibbed to her by telling her I disabled the audio cues on my running app so I wouldn't know how far we were in our run. I tricked her by changing up our route. When the app told me we hit our mark of 1.5 miles I knew she could do more so I suggested another half loop. She didn't want to, but she kept going. We hit that end mark and the app whispered in my ear that we were at 1.75 miles. I urged her to keep going. I asked if she trusted me. It makes me laugh now, because she said no. I don't know if that was really her talking or the exhaustion, but either way she took a chance and kept going. When we hit that 2 mile mark I was so proud of her!! She took a chance with me. She trusted me. She broke out of her comfort zone for me. She did it! She ran 2 miles!!
Going forward, I hope that run helped her shed some of her self doubt and to believe in herself. I know it was a great reminder for me of how important it is to keep going forward...to keep setting and reaching new goals. She inspired me to push myself farther than I ever had before and break my 3.1 mile record...to reach for 4 miles instead. This morning I conquered 4 miles. Now I'm going to reach for 6.1...to run a 10k. Because she took a chance with me, I am reminded I need to take a chance on myself.
